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"Why Your Team Sucks"

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fringe

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DREW MAGARY

WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS 2013Today 10:30am

 

 

Why Your Team Sucks 2013: New York Giants

 

 

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Some people are fans of the New York Giants. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Giants. This 2013 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the 2013 NFL previews so far right here.

Your team: New York Giants

Your 2012 record: 9-7. Missed the playoffs after appearing in a Super Bowl. Like clockwork.

Your coach: Ideal buddy cop movie police chief Tom Coughlin. He's got just 10 weeks 'til retirement, Rolle! HE'S TOO OLD TO LISTEN TO YOUR HORSESHIT EXCUSES. I bet Tom Coughlin goes to bed at night wearing chinos and white sneakers. You will read 700 puff pieces about Tom Coughlin every year that say, "Hey, he's not such a dick anymore!" But then his team will lose and he will immediately throw his players under the bus and back that bus up six times to make sure they've been thoroughly run over.

Your quarterback: Greatest average quarterback of all time Eli Manning.

Your fantasy player everyone will hate: Hakeem Nicks. You draft Hakeem Nicks and you convince yourself that you just got a steal if he manages to play a full season, and he will NEVER play a full season. Every third week, he'll bust out a nice game and you will find yourself with 33% of a fantasy stud on your roster. Hakeem Nicks could tweak a hamstring working the DVR remote. So annoying. Fantasy GMs are harder on injured players than Nick Saban. Oh, you're injured? FUCKING SIT IN THAT CORNER AND DON'T TALK. RELATED

 

 

 

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Why Your Team Sucks 2012: New York Giants

 

Some people are fans of the New York Giants. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Giants. This final 2012 Deadspin NFL team… Read…

Why your team sucks: Because we at Deadspin are NERDY BLOG NERDS who live in our mother's basements, these little preseason team roasts tend to come and go without much fuss, save for the occasional angry tweet or delightful piece of hate mail. But after we posted the Giants preview last season, I got an ominous email from a Giants team official with the subject line "you and I need to have a conversation". Here now is the email exchange I had with that official:

HIM: Next week after I through my opener. [sic]

ME: You're throwing the opener?!

HIM: Meant get through wise ass

ME: Well, you can contact me any time about anything. Always happy to respond.

HIM: Just to clear up some of the stuff in your column.

ME: Ah, I got it. By all means, send me any points you'd like to dispute and I can send them Craggs' way. I'm also happy to print any formal response if you feel compelled to give one.

The official never did follow up to correct whatever it was that I got wrong in that post. In all fairness to him, these previews offer ZERO substantive football insight. However, in a league that takes itself far too seriously, it's the New York FOOTBALL Giants (I swear to God, the word FOOTBALL is included in the team's official email signature) who take themselves the mostseriously.

They are the model home in the NFL's planned McMansion cul-de-sac. Beautifully appointed! Check out the GORGEOUS new stadium with nickel-plated fixtures! There are even a handful of randomly won Lombardi trophies in the parlor! And a successful minority GM! And look at the beautiful child named Eli running around in the front yard with no pants on! THIS IS THE IDEAL PLACE TO RAISE YOUR NFL TEAM! When Roger Goodell goes to bed at night, he dreams of an NFL that consists of 32 antiseptic franchises just like the Giants: A "family-run" team with boring uniforms and a handful of photogenic fans bussed in from Manhattan to cover up for the 50,000 rockheads from Morris Township ogling tits in the parking lot. It's a franchise that gives off that distinct whiff of faux classiness—the kind Goodell needs to extort public stadium funding and obscure concussion concerns in a legal fart cloud.

Get past the direct mail catalog veneer and you see the obvious flaws. The Giants' new stadium is despised by virtually everyone. The fans are assholes. No, really. They are ASSHOLES. They are proof that no New York team should ever win anything. These people already believe, literally, that their city is better than every other city in the world. (I lived in New York for the majority of my 20s and even though I like New York, that is NOT TRUE.) Giving them a championship team on top of it only makes it all worse. New York deserves the Knicks and Mets and Jets jabbing needles into their eyes for decades. They don't need the Yankees and Giants to lord over everyone. They're unbearable.

And despite four (??!!!??!!) Super Bowl titles, the Giants have put some HORRENDOUS product out there on the field. You're looking at a team that, several times a year, will follow up an impressive road victory with a 20-point blowout loss to a 10-loss team at home. This defense was the second worst in football last season, and that's saying a lot because there are many, many bad defenses in the NFL. How do you fuck up that badly with Justin Tuck and JPP up front? Well, the Giants do. They are required by law to play down to their competition. In fact, they must play beneath their lowest competition, just so that you'll question them any time they win anything of substance.

Also, fuck Mike Francesa. Just fuck him right in the face.

Why your team doesn't suck: Every player in the NFL is currently injured, so I see no reason why the Giants can't piece together another "miracle" run in which Eli farts out a quick string of playoff victories after buttfucking his way through the regular season. Out of the four teams in this division, the Giants are least likely to do anything aggressively stupid, like shout out racial epithets at a country music concert, or send RGIII out onto the field to die, or employ Tony Romo.

The 12 worst Giants ever:

1) Ray Handley. Like Rich Kotite, he completely disappeared from football after getting fired by the New York NFL team employing him. When you get fired in New York, you STAY fired. You don't go getting some other job somewhere else. You move to Tahoe and curl into a ball and die.

2) Dave Brown. I think the supplemental draft exists specifically to draw out the NFL's dumbest teams.

3) William Joseph

4) Sinorice Moss. His first name makes me want a Twizzler.

5) Ike Hilliard

6) Cedric Jones

7) Thomas Lewis. This is not a hard and fast rule, but if you've ever drafted a skill position player from Indiana, you have probably made a terrible error in judgment.

8) Ron Dayne

9) Bill Arnsparger

10) Trey Junkin. "How do you fuck that up?" #williamhurt'd

11) Matt Dodge

12) Jarrod Bunch. Giants fans don't even like their GOOD running backs. So when you suck, you give them even more reasons to complain.

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Sephiroth

Sephiroth

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Giants fans are "assholes," who "ogle tits in the parking lot?"

 

75% of the home fans are 80-year old men who still talk about the polo grounds and are asleep at halftime.

 

Also, I can 100% guarantee that it was Pat Hanlon that sent that angry email. Guy is a fucking idiot.

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fringe

fringe

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Some truth here:

This defense was the second worst in football last season, and that's saying a lot because there are many, many bad defenses in the NFL. How do you fuck up that badly with Justin Tuck and JPP up front? Well, the Giants do. They are required by law to play down to their competition. In fact, they must play beneaththeir lowest competition, just so that you'll question them any time they win anything of substance.

 

And here:

Also, fuck Mike Francesa. Just fuck him right in the face.

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Storm

Storm

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Kevin Gilbride has done his best to lose every damn game he has ever coached. I could watch Buddy Ryan punch him in his stupid mustachioed face every day

 

I completely agree. I don't buy the, "but he's coached some of the most prolific Giants' offenses!!!" argument, either. They've been prolific in spite of Gilbride, not because of him. How many times will we have to watch failed red zone trips result in 23 yard field goals (there were 11 or 12 last year, I can't remember the exact stat of 20-29 yarders by Tynes)? How many times will we be forced to watch 3rd and 3 40 yard routes down the field by all receivers? How many times must we be subjected to the dreaded 3rd and 16 halfback "give-up" draw?

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CrazedDogs

CrazedDogs

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I completely agree. I don't buy the, "but he's coached some of the most prolific Giants' offenses!!!" argument, either. They've been prolific in spite of Gilbride, not because of him. How many times will we have to watch failed red zone trips result in 23 yard field goals (there were 11 or 12 last year, I can't remember the exact stat of 20-29 yarders by Tynes)? How many times will we be forced to watch 3rd and 3 40 yard routes down the field by all receivers? How many times must we be subjected to the dreaded 3rd and 16 halfback "give-up" draw?

 

Don't make me bring up Hufnagle....

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Sephiroth

Sephiroth

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I completely agree. I don't buy the, "but he's coached some of the most prolific Giants' offenses!!!" argument, either. They've been prolific in spite of Gilbride, not because of him. How many times will we have to watch failed red zone trips result in 23 yard field goals (there were 11 or 12 last year, I can't remember the exact stat of 20-29 yarders by Tynes)? How many times will we be forced to watch 3rd and 3 40 yard routes down the field by all receivers? How many times must we be subjected to the dreaded 3rd and 16 halfback "give-up" draw?

 

I've always wondered how Eli would do without having (literally) 12 pre-snap reads and 3 optional routes for every receiver. Coming out of college, wasn't the consensus on him, "this is a guy you have to just let play?"

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