I just can't make this stuff up...

[BadEgg]

SI.COM Extra Mustard Hot Clicks - Posted today, July 13, 2007

 

"41 reasons to look forward to the NFL's return"

 

# 4 - Watching the next chapter of Eli Manning's gradual breakdown as he continues realizing he's not his brother and that he hates football...

 

# 5- Watching an artery in Tom Coughlin's head explode during an interview with Bonnoe Bernstein, showering the reporter with blood...

 

#19 - Jeremy Shockey patronizing somebody's culture, race, religion, sexual orientation, fashion sense or pet, then dropping three balls in his next game...

 

It could've been any team, but it was the Giants...You've gottal love # 4...So true...

[BronxRik]

#3 and 41 are wayyyyyy better than #4.

 

Here's the full list and a link to prove it.

 

Thursday Challenge: 41 reasons to look forward to the NFL's return

 

Is it just us, or is the summertime sports schedule blander than a two-hour video of Tim Duncan eating Melba toast?

 

We love baseball as much as anyone, but enough of the monotony; we need a little flavour in our lives. One can only take so much of watching Josh Towers pitch every five days or Sportscentre leading off with Tour de France coverage.

 

As such, Larkin challenged Hurk to list 41 random reasons to look forward to the NFL’s return.

“Forty-one reasons,” mocked Hurk. “Surely, you underestimate me.”

 

1. The first time Sportscentre shows this.

 

2. The first time a head coach tops this.

 

3. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann. No Joe Theismann.

 

4. Watching the next chapter of Eli Manning’s gradual mental breakdown as he continues realizing he’s not his brother and he hates football.

 

5. Watching an artery in Tom Coughlin’s head explode during an interview with Bonnie Bernstein, showering the reporter’s shirt with blood. B-squared is forced to finish the broadcast topless.

 

6. Mike Holmgren missing most of the third quarter against Philadelphia because he ate four cheesesteaks before the game and couldn’t get off the can.

 

7. Edgerrin James committing suicide after his request for a trade to Indy is denied.

 

8. The Bengals signing Andy Reid’s kids.

 

9. Cris Collinsworth calling decisions “inexcusable” and being in complete disbelief every time someone does something stupid.

 

10. Herm Edwards trying to manage the clock.

 

11. Steve McNair being hit and losing control of his bowels on the field. We can only pray he’ll be wearing white pants.

 

12. Bill Simmons’ stubborn refusal to acknowledge LaDainian Tomlinson as LT.

 

13. Analysts’ stubborn refusal to compare white receivers to black receivers (“Kevin Curtis really reminds me of Ed McCaffrey”) .

 

14. A formal apology from Minneapolis police after bringing in Brad Childress on kiddie-diddlin’ charges.

 

15. Roger Goodell tightening his dictatorial grip on the league and throwing himself a Hitler-esque midseason parade.

 

16. The late-season flexible schedule.

 

17. Hitting Ralph Wilson Stadium for Bills-Pats and our buddy Malcolm, a Buffalo fan, getting trashed off three beers. Inside, he’ll comment that he didn’t know the Bills got new uniforms, which he thinks are terrible -- while New England is warming up.

 

18. Jerome Bettis getting so fat he’ll have to work from his own studio, which is really just a large pile of soiled mattresses surrounded by cameras.

 

19. Jeremy Shockey patronizing somebody’s culture, race, religion, sexual orientation, fashion sense or pet, then dropping three balls in his next game.

 

20. Games that actually affect the bigger picture.

 

21. When people start trying to justify why their surefire sleeper teams didn’t make the playoffs (see: 2006 Arizona Cardinals, 2007 Detroit Lions).

 

22. LenDale White suffering a heart attack and dying on the field after this fourth consecutive carry. Ron Dayne sympathizes.

 

23. Chris Henry drawing a gun from his handwarmer and shooting Ed Reed in the face on route to the end zone in his Week 10 return against Baltimore. During the ensuing celebration, Henry is stabbed in the kidney and killed. No killer is found, though Ray Lewis is quickly whisked away in a field cart after the incident and claims to have seen nothing.

 

24. Ocho Cinco.

 

25. Searching for Jake Plummer’s replacement as my new favourite whipping boy (I’m watching you, Jake Delhomme).

 

26. Jon Gruden effectively ending my search by coaxing Jake Plummer out of retirement in Week 4 (cross your fingers!).

 

27. Michael Vick. Anything to do with Michael Vick.

 

28. Players actually believing God gives a shit about who wins a football game.

 

29. Ed Hochuli punching out Todd Pinkston after the receiver bumps the official over a pass interference call.

 

30. Peyton Manning having a career year for commercials filmed.

 

32. Snow games.

 

33. Rex Grossman not completing a pass until Week 3 (the Bears will be 2-1).

 

34. Buffalo fans finally saying “Fuck it, I don’t care anymore” and just getting up and walking out of the stadium midseason, never to return again.

 

35. That fat guy in Minnesota who dresses like a Viking.

 

36. Matt Leinart going on the IR in November with gonorrhea.

 

37. My Dad quitting on the Jets by Week 3, getting back on the wagon by Week 9, and quitting football entirely by Week 10.

 

38. Commentators freebasing Brett Favre’s scrotum and explaining his 40-yard interception “is just as good as a punt.”

 

39. Spending 13 consecutive hung-over hours on the couch on Sundays, with the most difficult decision of the day being one of the following: a) should I get up and take a leak now or try and hold off for another hour? or b) wings or pizza?

 

40. Not being so desperate for website content that I have to write absurdly inane lists about leagues that don’t begin for two months.

 

41. NO JOE THEISMANN.

 

Linky

[Lubeck]

#39 is the best easily. I LOVE football season for that reason.

[Treehugger]

When has Shockey ever patronized somebody’s culture, race, religion, sexual orientation, fashion sense or pet? He also only dropped a few balls last season. Less than 7 (T.O. dropped 17).

[JayD]

Man I havent seen this much hate for a player since ryan leaf ruffed up that reporter. You'd think Eli pissed on someones microphone.

[JayD]

When has Shockey ever patronized somebody’s culture, race, religion, sexual orientation, fashion sense or pet? He also only dropped a few balls last season. Less than 7 (T.O. dropped 17).

 

 

Well he did call Parcells a homo. Aside from that I have no idea what they are talking about.

[BIGBLUE01]

When has Shockey ever patronized somebody’s culture, race, religion, sexual orientation, fashion sense or pet? He also only dropped a few balls last season. Less than 7 (T.O. dropped 17).

 

First thing I thought when I saw that. This is just another pointless article from some no name that eggy thinks is cool.

[Lubeck]

First thing I thought when I saw that. This is just another pointless article from some no name that eggy thinks is cool.

 

Well of course it is cool includes comments that are negative towards the Giants while totally ignores the obvious Homo joke about his inability to handle field goals.

[NeMesiS]

When has Shockey ever patronized somebody’s culture, race, religion, sexual orientation, fashion sense or pet? He also only dropped a few balls last season. Less than 7 (T.O. dropped 17).

Shockey drop 5 balls last year and he get the labled of not having good hands. Antonio Gates Drops 5 balls in one game (Yes, in one game) and he has the best hands among TE.

 

 

 

I know, I know eggy. That's still 4 more drop balls than Tony Romo:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BIGBLUE01]

Shockey drop 5 balls last year and he get the labled of not having good hands. Antonio Gates Drops 5 balls in one game (Yes, in one game) and he has the best hands among TE.

I know, I know eggy. That's still 4 more drop balls than Tony Romo:

 

 

Oh no, now youve opened up another can of worms with me. This is something I argue about with people all the time. How does Gates get so much recognition, and this guy drops balls like its goin out of style? And when Shock drops one, he's the worst TE in the world?

 

But, thats another subject.

[Nesta]

Eggy, I guess you didn't bother reading number 40, or you just didnt' understand it.

 

40. Not being so desperate for website content that I have to write absurdly inane lists about leagues that don’t begin for two months.

 

The use of 'absurdly' and 'inane' by the author to describe his own list, shows the author's acknowledgement that the list is 'nonsense'.

[BIGBLUE01]

Eggy, I guess you didn't bother reading number 40, or you just didnt' understand it.

The use of 'absurdly' and 'inane' by the author to describe his own list, shows the author's acknowledgement that the list is 'nonsense'.

[feefifoefum]

#42. We get to see Jerry Jones' shiny new face again.

 

#43. By Week 6, T.O. will have realized that Romo is not McNabb, and turmoil ensues when he goes on espn radio and declares that the Cowboys would be better off with Jake Plummer as their QB.

 

#44. BadEgg is nowhere to be found in Week 14 as the Dallas Cowboys are officially eliminated from playoff contention.

[BIGBLUE01]

#42. We get to see Jerry Jones' shiny new face again.

 

#43. By Week 6, T.O. will have realized that Romo is not McNabb, and turmoil ensues when he goes on espn radio and declares that the Cowboys would be better off with Jake Plummer as their QB.

 

#44. BadEgg is nowhere to be found in Week 14 as the Dallas Cowboys are officially eliminated from playoff contention.

 

 

Thats the one Im puttin money on!

[Nesta]

Thats the one Im puttin money on!

 

Safe bet considering it has happened several times in the past.

[fishgutmartyr]

#42. We get to see Jerry Jones' shiny new face again.

 

I'm not looking forward to that--the guy's face looks like it was shrink-wrapped.

[randoff]

Eggy, I guess you didn't bother reading number 40, or you just didnt' understand it.

The use of 'absurdly' and 'inane' by the author to describe his own list, shows the author's acknowledgement that the list is 'nonsense'.

Thank God someone else pointed out Egg's flawed post. The Doff grew very weary in doing so.

[BadEgg]

Eggy, I guess you didn't bother reading number 40, or you just didnt' understand it.

The use of 'absurdly' and 'inane' by the author to describe his own list, shows the author's acknowledgement that the list is 'nonsense'.

 

It's interesting that the Giants, more than once, are the subject of this so-called "nonsense."

[BadEgg]

Oh no, now youve opened up another can of worms with me. This is something I argue about with people all the time. How does Gates get so much recognition, and this guy drops balls like its goin out of style? And when Shock drops one, he's the worst TE in the world?

 

But, thats another subject.

 

The answer is simple. Shockey does not work out with the team and has a mouth that runs constantly. Gates does his talking on the field...Also, Gates is not injured every other play...

[Nesta]

It's interesting that the Giants, more than once, are the subject of this so-called "nonsense."

 

So called nonsense? Do you understand english? Do you have a dictionary?

 

It was called nonsense by the author himself nummy, not by me.

Even though I'd agree with him.

 

What's really interesting is, more than once, badegg has departed the Giant's board with his tail between his legs, with weeks of football left to play. That's pretty interesting.

[randoff]

The answer is simple. Shockey does not work out with the team and has a mouth that runs constantly. Gates does his talking on the field...Also, Gates is not injured every other play...

The Doff is pondering here on a reciever named Terrell. Now correct me if I am wrong....Terrell DOES work out with his team, no? And the Doff assumes it's safe to state that Terrelll has had numerous drops in 2006, no? So according to the 'working out with your team' arguement, shouldn't the fact that Terrell attending workouts with his team eliminate all of the drops he's had? The Doff would like to think that 'working out with the team' = Zero drops (or very few drops). Why is it that Terrell's 2006 drop total higher than Shockey's?

 

Doff would also like to point out the obvious. Shockey has been on ONE team and there's no true evidence (only opinion) that Shockey has disrupted a lockerroom. Now Terrell on the other hand.....Terrell is the 'mouth' that RUINS teams. That's is a fact.

[BadEgg]

So called nonsense? Do you understand english? Do you have a dictionary?

 

It was called nonsense by the author himself nummy, not by me.

Even though I'd agree with him.

What's really interesting is, more than once, badegg has departed the Giant's board with his tail between his legs, with weeks of football left to play. That's pretty interesting.

 

 

Ofcourse it was called nonsense by the author himself, nummy. But it only works with the Giants because what he says is believable, if not partially true. You admit that you agree with him. This is why I would call it so-called nonsense. If he had said, Peyton Manning realizes that he will never be as good as Eli and decides he hates football...Now THAT would be nonsense...

[BadEgg]

The Doff is pondering here on a reciever named Terrell. Now correct me if I am wrong....Terrell DOES work out with his team, no? And the Doff assumes it's safe to state that Terrelll has had numerous drops in 2006, no? So according to the 'working out with your team' arguement, shouldn't the fact that Terrell attending workouts with his team eliminate all of the drops he's had? The Doff would like to think that 'working out with the team' = Zero drops (or very few drops). Why is it that Terrell's 2006 drop total higher than Shockey's?

 

Doff would also like to point out the obvious. Shockey has been on ONE team and there's no true evidence (only opinion) that Shockey has disrupted a lockerroom. Now Terrell on the other hand.....Terrell is the 'mouth' that RUINS teams. That's is a fact.

 

Well, Doff. For the reasons I stated above, I would always take Gates over Shockey. But what you say about TO is true. However, I am optimistic that he will not be disruptive if Romo plays well...

[randoff]

Well, Doff. For the reasons I stated above, I would always take Gates over Shockey. But what you say about TO is true. However, I am optimistic that he will not be disruptive if Romo plays well...

No doubt, Gates over Shockey...based on Gates' seasons in the NFL. But the Doff still wonders WHEN is the Terrell explosion coming?

[Nesta]

Ofcourse it was called nonsense by the author himself, nummy. But it only works with the Giants because what he says is believable, if not partially true. You admit that you agree with him. This is why I would call it so-called nonsense. If he had said, Peyton Manning realizes that he will never be as good as Eli and decides he hates football...Now THAT would be nonsense...

 

I know you're a bit slow (by how long it took you to finally get that stupid pic in your signature), but come on.

What I agree with is the author stating it's nonsense.

 

You're pathetically grasping at a satire to prove that Eli Manning sucks?

If I weren't a bigger man, I'm sure I could find a Tony Homo satire to throw back at ya.

 

 

No comment on your timely vacations from talking shit on Giant's boards?